jackapedia entries

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You let Jack be in control of the trial, so this was the natural consequence tbh...

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GRELL SUTCLIFFE

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Grell Sutcliffe AGE: Unknown? Are you friggin kidding me? She's probably like super old. Who puts unknown in the age field? STATUS: Ha ha I'm not the only one assimilated with the AI anymore suckas. Which actually kind of sucks because I hate all of you and had half a mind to drive it into the nearest sun. Point is, she [CENSORED] the AI too. It's not as sexy as it sounds. HOTNESS: 7/10 IF ONLY BECAUSE she threatened to kill me and I'm super into women that threaten to kill me. Also [CENSORED] this stupid ship full of teenagers why are you all literal children jesus christ ARCHIVED PROFILE: NAME: Grell Sutcliffe AGE: Unknown HEIGHT & WEIGHT: 5'9" | 150 lbs BODY MARKINGS: Scar from end of collarbone (left side) to right hip. -Dual irises. SKILLS: -Combat experience: considerable -Spiritually sensitive -High physical capacity (strength, speed, endurance) -Scythe summoning -Cinematic Record POSSESSION: Death scythe.

HANDSOME JACK

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Handsome Jack SUP LOSERS. I mean, what can I say here that isn't obvious? That I'm the hero, the Jack of your dreams, often imitated never matched? I feel like I'll just get to repeating myself. But I could go on. I could go on until I get a stack overflow. STATUS: What the [CENSORED]? Dead? Either third time's the charm or I should pick up like a punch card for kickass ways to die. Because it was totally kickass. I bet. AVENGE ME because from what I can tell I'm gonna be some kind of computer ghost. A ghost in the shell. And I'll haunt all of you. And doxx you by sending all of the embarrassing shit that I totally found in the archives because Alice is creepy to your loved ones. She watched you fap. Also I hate anime. For the record. Shut up. ARCHIVED PROFILE: NAME: Handsome Jack AGE: 44 HEIGHT & WEIGHT: 5'11" | 175 lbs BODY MARKINGS: Significant facial scarring including an inverse V-shape extending from his left cheek, across the bridge of his nose, and down the center of his right eye and across the cheek. A dataport behind and under his left ear and several various scars of varying ages on his torso, with many older scars on his back. Heterochromia (blue-green), though right eye is damaged. SKILLS: Programming, hacking, engineering, Vault hunting, corporate takeovers, dick jokes. POSSESSION: One Hyperion shock pistol. Warranty voided due to modification for wrist-mounted design.

JASON TODD

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Jason Todd IS IT JUST ME or does something about this kid scream daddy issues? Or maybe it's just the teenage angst. Because yeah AGE: teenager just like 90% of this goddamn ship. STATUS: I have a reference to make here about the kickass laser sword but something tells me my lawyers would advise against it. MURDER LIKELIHOOD RATING: Like 7/10. Seriously this is that kid that would approach you in a dark alley and shiv you. This could be because I'm like 99.9% sure that he was going to kill me because his girlfriend told him to. This isn't actually an insult though since I mean, I get it. If Nisha told me to off someone, I'd kill them, their whole family, burn down their house, etc. CLIQUE STATUS: We're a clique. ARCHIVED PROFILE: NAME: Jason Todd AGE: 19 HEIGHT & WEIGHT: 6' | 225 lbs BODY MARKINGS: None of note. SKILLS: Lockpicking, hacking, medical knowledge, hand-to-hand combat, proficiency with bladed weapons and firearms, multilingualism, above average observational and deductive skills POSSESSION: Dagger

DORIAN PAVUS

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Drunkle Pavus THANK GOD there's one other adult but I mean lay off the drinks pal. You're gonna get a rep as the drunk uncle. Since you don't strike me as the dad kinda guy. Wait those words are hilarious just realized. I'm totally changing your entry name because blah blah everyone will know who you are. [ CHANGING NAME PARAMETER. . . ] Perfect. FUN FACIAL HAIR FACTS: Did you know that on Pandora, having well-trimmed facial hair is widely considered a target to get your ass beaten into next Tuesday? SOURCE: The kickass soul patch I used to rock. Which a Psycho Midget tried to rip off my face. Their hands are so tiny, great for grabbing facial hair. I friggin' hate that planet. Think if we blow ourselves up we could also blow it up too? No one would miss it. SERIOUSLY. ARCHIVED PROFILE: NAME: Dorian Pavus AGE: 30 HEIGHT & WEIGHT: 5'10" | 160 lbs BODY MARKINGS: Fabulous moustache SKILLS: Mage. Can cast fire, lightning, ice, and spirit magic, with a specialization in necromancy. Ability to conjure spirits of the dead, cast protective barriers, dispel hostile magic, and fade step. Draws power from proximity to death. Otherwise, good at chess, magical theory, languages, and bitching. Also has best ass among participants. POSSESSION: Staff

DAVE STRIDER

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Dave Strider This kid. Man, this kid is hilarious? I hope you all appreciate that. Because I sure do. The rest of you are plebes that do not appreciate the inherent humor in BONERFARTS. Even my clique didn't. Which is super rude? None of you have a sense of humor. COOLNESS RATING: Hell Yeah / 10 THOUGH BEFORE I FORGET seriously dude hashmaps are rad as hell but using them for an inventory system where you have to do scrabble? Crazy shit. Like you're aware so that's step one to admitting you have a problem but seriously, get that fixed. Only computers were meant to understand hashmaps. Says the AI I guess so maybe my opinion is a little weird here, but my point still stands. ARCHIVED PROFILE: NAME: Dave Strider AGE: 16 HEIGHT & WEIGHT: 5'10" | 150 lbs BODY MARKINGS: Various scars as a result of strife SKILLS: Swordfighting, speed, time manipulation, sylladex inventory system, flight POSSESSION: Caledfwlch (sword)

JUDAR

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JUDAR Have you ever just been dicking around in the trials not giving a shit who died, looked around, and realized that we have way too many people with WEIRDLY FABULOUS HAIR? Because I'm not saying I have. But if someone who's name rhymes with "Bhys" and not me at all were to ever have that observation. Just saying. It's pretty legit. STATUS: In need of haircut. What are you, a damn war hippie? SCRATCH THAT I answered my own question because Princess would absolutely work at Maliwan. I bet he smokes batteries. It would explain a lot. If you know what I mean. (I'm calling him an idiot in case that isn't clear.) ARCHIVED PROFILE: NAME: Judar AGE: 19 HEIGHT & WEIGHT: 5'8" | 132 lbs BODY MARKINGS: None SKILLS: Ice magic; lightning magic; gravity magic (flight); borg; isolation barrier. Can derive power from intense negativity. Knowledge of complex magical formulas. Napping and complaining. POSSESSION: Magi Staff

ADRIEN AGRESTE

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Adrien Agreste Okay so I really want to make an ASSTON of furry jokes but. No. No this kid is a kid and I can't make weird furry sex jokes at someone that's barely starting puberty. This is discrimination against me and my hilarious jokes. I'll put them in someone else's profile. TBD I can't make any jokes about the BDSM catsuit either. Or a well-timed meme about offing yourself with hilarious grammatical incorrectness. THIS IS THE WORST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME. Haha I'm totally kidding it was [REDACTED] but someone make the jokes for me at least. Do me that solid. Also I hope every teen here has the worst puberty experience possible. Ha. Age appropriate insults! ARCHIVED PROFILE: NAME: Adrien Agreste AGE: 15 HEIGHT & WEIGHT: 5'7" | 135 lbs BODY MARKINGS: None SKILLS: fencing, climbing, piano playing, speaking Chinese, modelling, gaming, martial arts, puns, purrkour, staff-wielding, night vision, acrobatics, professional damsel in distress, walking in heels, bad luck/destruction powers POSSESSION: Miraculous ring

MARINETTE DUPAIN-CHENG

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Marinette Dupain-Cheng THE MORE YOU KNOW: According to r/magicalgirls a Magical Girl possesses enough energy to be roughly equivalent to a literal nuke? So. Just think about that. This kid is a walking nuke. Why does no one seem to think that's weird. TEENAGER QUOTIENT: Like 8.5 on the Richter Scale. This scale, for the record, is how likely I am to punch a teenager in the face. Since I dunno maybe it's some Earthian thing but SOME PEOPLE know what the Richter Scale is really for. FACE PUNCHINGS. Don't let anyone tell you different because they're probably a moron. It occurs to me by the way that getting murdered by a yo-yo would be pretty much the most insulting way to die. Like holy shit. Just imagine, going about your business, armed to the teeth, and bam, NUKE YO-YO. Someone (I mean myself) should capitalize on this. Also red is not your color. Just throwing that out there since I don't think anyone has the heart to tell you. ARCHIVED PROFILE: NAME: Marinette Dupain-Cheng AGE: 15 HEIGHT & WEIGHT: 5'2" | 102 lbs BODY MARKINGS: None SKILLS: Drawing, designing, seamstressing, yo-yoing, phone theft, parkour, creation/good luck powers, problem-solving, gaming, athletics, bullshit detector POSSESSION: Miraculous Earrings

YUNO GASAI

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Yuno Gasai PINK IS THE COLOR OF DEATH. Seriously, would anyone here really be surprised if the last thing you saw before you died was some pink teenager. I mean look at our candidates. Damn. You know there's some urban legend that you can tell the size of someone's dick by how big their hands are (haha you're looking at your hands now) so maybe it's like the same thing but with pink hair for being voted MOST LIKELY TO MURDER THE SHIT OUT OF YOU in your high school yearbook. I did not win that category by the way. Which I'm actually not that mad about because I ended up killing the guy. Irony! Beyond the murder thing, which, I mean, we all murder every once in a while, Yuno is also GOD OR SOMETHING? Look I don't understand like half of the shit you kids tell me. Why can't it be simple like shooting someone in the face. BE NICE TO HER OR I'LL SHOOT YOU IN THE FACE. ARCHIVED PROFILE: Participant Information NAME: Yuno Gasai AGE: 15 HEIGHT & WEIGHT: 5'2" | 108 lbs BODY MARKINGS: N/A SKILLS: Proficiency with weapons, notably knives, stalking POSSESSION: The Yukiteru Diary

LUKE CASTELLAN

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Luke Castellan Wait Luke is the first adult to come up for my furry jokes? Shit. I'M CALLING A MULLIGAN. That's a thing you can do with furry jokes, at least as of this very moment. Please direct all complaints to Alice, who populated this ship with too many people that were twenty and under. If it feels like I keep harping on this, it's because it's total bullshit. THOUGH TBH he's also another dude with a crazyass tragic backstory where I hear it explained and I'm like "everything you just said sounds super fake but I don't know enough about [insert topic here] to refute it." There are a lot of you like that. Like I thought Pandora was weird for being full of people that will literally peel off your face and eat it, but some of you make it sound like a vacation home. Like dang. Anyways, COOL DUDE. This is my official cool dude rating for cool people. Which Dave also gets but these stupid systems have write-protections so I can't edit my entries once I make them. That's why they have that kickass stream of consciousness thing going on. You're welcome. CLIQUE STATUS: Ain't nobody [CENSORED] with my clique. ARCHIVED PROFILE: NAME: Luke Castellan AGE: 23 HEIGHT & WEIGHT: 6'0" | 155 lbs BODY MARKINGS: Thick facial scar on right side of face running from bottom of his eye to his chin, scar from stab wound under his left underarm SKILLS: Swordfighting, hand-to-hand combat, lock-breaking, thievery POSSESSION: Backbiter (Sword)

JESSIE

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Jessie Okay this was not intentional but it's hilariously appropriate that the last adult on my list here is the one with a giant snake. Or is that more messed up? Unsure. Don't think about it too much because I'm already regretting that line of thought. INSERT FURRY JOKE by which I mean do you know what's really weird? Dressing up like a latex cat and everyone just being like "okay seems legit." Which, I mean, not a full fursuit I guess but is that really better. One of them looks like it belongs in a weird sex dungeon. For shame, Jessie. For shame. At least take up being a professional dominatrix first. Which actually even though I was joking, gotta say. Could see it. The hair could be a problem though. STATUS: Ha ha my bad apparently dead. Probably should have checked that before populating the flavor text but I was really focused on making my jokes. But look my jokes were hilarious, so it's what she would have wanted. Or it's what I would have wanted. I am also dead so I get veto powers. WAIT I JUST REALIZED It's cobra spelled backwards what the [CENSORED] ARCHIVED PROFILE: NAME: Jessie AGE: 26 HEIGHT & WEIGHT: 5'8" | 120 lbs BODY MARKINGS: Naturally Flawless, Extremely Gorgeous SKILLS: Hot Air Balloon Piloting, Yelling, Fighting, Pokémon, Breaking and Entering, Surveillance, Espionage, Costumes and Make-up, Machines, Dancing, Acting POSSESSION: Arbok

ADAM PARRISH

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ADAM PARRISH Okay so did I miss a prime joke opportunity here with the POSSESSION: HAND LOTION? Was the joke already made? I'm disappointed in myself. Not that it matters because you're all FRIGGIN TEENS AND IT MAKES IT WEIRD. Why was dick jokes even listed as a skill of mine when it's super weird and creepy to make them. I BLAME ALICE. (As usual) Also I'm not up on my crazy genus languages but I'm at least 99% sure that the stuff in Latin during that trial about Fiona was some snarky comment so please decipher for the non-Latin speaking masses please and thanks. Or respond wittily in Latin. Also acceptable. Think I could steal Alice's Latin language setting? Bet she totally has one. OS ET LABRA TIBI LINGIT, MANNEIA, CATELLUS: NON MIROR, MERDAS SI LIBET ESSE CANI. Which, by the way, is not at all directed at Adam. But is hilarious. Good luck deciphering that, suckas ARCHIVED PROFILE: NAME: Adam Parrish AGE: 18 HEIGHT & WEIGHT: 5'11" | 130 lbs BODY MARKINGS: A few faded scars on torso SKILLS: Genius intelligence, excellent mechanical capabilities, proficient in Latin, ability to sense magical energy, ability to scry and perform tarot readings, friend of trees] POSSESSION: Hand lotion

CLOVER FIELD

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Clover Field SERIOUSLY. PINK TEENS. They're gonna kill your ass. Between Yuno and Clover not sure who's more mentally unstable. This isn't an insult btw just an observation. But I mean. Fair. In both cases. I think. I'm not purposefully being a dick is what I'm saying. BUNKERS AND BADASSES CLASS: Definitely warrior. PUNISHER. She's like. Four feet tall. But swings around an axe and a scythe as big as she is. Hilarious. I think I made a character build like this for once for fun. I mean some stupid nerd made a build. Haha who even plays fantasy roleplaying games. That's so stupid. STATUS: I mean I always assumed "cold" as a general role because fur doesn't actually make a bikini warmer. You could call it a Furkini but that sounds really weird and like something you'd read about in Cosmo and go "if you ever try and do that to me we're breaking up." ARCHIVED PROFILE: NAME: Clover Field AGE: 19 HEIGHT & WEIGHT: 4'9" | 94 lbs BODY MARKINGS: N/A SKILLS: Basic combat and agility training, random trivia, jumping and running in heels, capable of rapping any Nicki Minaj verse on command, yelling, amateur espionage, morphogenetic field sender POSSESSION: Injection gun of tubocurarine