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Entry tags:
extended canon: ic ama
AKA "when Burch writes about Jack"
from here
What's been your funniest kill?
First wife.
Oh, wait, you said "funniest." I thought you meant "tragic, violent, and accidental."
My girlfriend is dressing up as you for Halloween. Should I be aroused?
If you're not, I'm certainly aroused enough for the both of us.
Have you and Mr Torgue ever gone golfing?
No, because I value my eardrums and he presumably values not being riddled with goddamn bullets.
Do you ever meet any of the 'war hippies' over at Maliwan? What do they smoke?
Batteries, weirdly? It's a -- it's like an e-cig thing, but somehow less cool. Imagine what an e-cig would have bullied in high school. It's like that.
How do you get your hair to look so perfect?
Genetics.
And the tears of orphans.
Why do you only wear a glove on one hand? And why is the index finger cut out of it?
Ask Nisha.
I have a CL4P-TP steward bot that keeps . . . integrating with every appliance I have with an open port. Is this a bug that's going to be patched any time soon? I called Customer Service and all I got was some dolt who told me to turn it off, then turn it on again. I figured you might know what's up, since you're a coder working for Hyperion.
I'm not tech support, but I've come up with a couple of solutions for the recurring "Claptrap is irritating" problem:
Kill the Claptrap
Kill yourself
It's an either/or thing. I wouldn't do both.
[–]NishaTheLawbringer 326 points 1 year ago
Why do you keep staring at me whenever I ask you something? It gets a bit creepy after the first twenty or so times.
Hey, what's -- hey. How are -- what's up. Hey.
Hi, hey.
Why are there only 6 Sirens in the universe and how the hell did you find that out?
Everybody knows that. What, were you raised in a barn? A barn without books about Sirens?
What would the title of the song Taylor Swift writes about you be called?
"I'm glad that I finally found a permanent boyfriend in you, Handsome Jack, you are the best and we get along super well, let's kill everyone together"
And then in parentheses, "(also wow you are super good at sex stuff)"
That's all one title
Oh man, this is one of them moments. CATCH A RIIIIDE!!!!!
I hope you die.
I heard vault hunters are really stupid. Like REALLY REALLY stupid. So stupid that if you hacked their ECHO and told them to do what you say, they probably will without ever asking "Why is there some girl covering my entire vision, why does she know so much about me, and why can she see my every movement?" Is this true?
Pahahahaha. Ahhh. So stupid.
So, so, so stupid.
Are you going to be handsome forever, and never, ever require a mask to cover a hideous disfiguring scar?
Weirdly specific question.
But yes.
Handsome, heroic, and way too damned good at your job... I think the REAL question is why those idiot higher ups at Hyperion haven't been bending over backwards and recognizing your potential.
You? You're my kinda ass-kisser. When I electrify every keyboard connected to this AMA, I'll make sure yours is as a low wattage.
Well, low-ish.
How did you ever get so handsome?
See? Everyone, look -- look at this.
THIS is a question. Not "wuhgughf what if butt stallion and gugh torgue fought would that be fugughgh fun", not "wharglbhrrh new u stations wharhgh canon."
Just short, direct, and so complimentary that I got to half mast before I'd reached the third syllable.
Be like this guy. Or girl.
Hopefully girl. I'm into girls. Which evidently makes me some sort of outlier on Pandora.
Mr. Jack,
Do you have any advice for aspiring developers hoping to emulate your meteoric rise at Hyperion?
Also, have you considered any joint projects with Torgue Corp?
Sure! My advice to all you sad, mewling little wannabes is: don't! There's already one Handsome Jack, and it ain't you. So if you like your kidneys/house/mother's torso where they are, you'll stay riiiiight on the bottom of the ol' corporate ladder.
Handsome Jack, first of all thank you for doing this!
What is your opinion of Wilhelm, Nisha, Claptrap, and Athena each individually?
Wilhelm: As far as monosyllabic cyborgs go, an okay dude. Seems pretty dense, easily led. Strongly considering poisoning him in the future in order to dupe my enemies into thinking they've won. Also considering accidentally forgetting to put that line of dialog into the game so it just ends up being super confusing and illogical.
Claptrap: No.
Athena: Weird chick. Prides herself on "loyalty," but the only thing I know about her is that she killed her old boss and blew up his big house of guns. So, uh, yeah, super trust her. Sure she's a straight shooter.
Nisha: She's, uh -- I like her. She's nice. Well not -- not NICE, she's definitely not NICE, but she's got a...like, a thing? About her? That I like? I don't know. It's -- shut up. Next question. Shut up.
Why would you hire a CL4P-TP to do anything but open doors for you? What were you thinking trusting him on Elpis?
Look, I --
Look. It was a dark time in my life, okay? No real job prospects, no budget to do anything with, boss has it out for me (like, he hired assassins), no bodyguards. So I took a stupid little tin can programmed for dancing and high-pitched whining, I slapped some goddamn guns on him, and installed some stair-climbing subroutines.
We all make mistakes. Mine was not killing every single Claptrap I saw. And getting married.
Who took longer to apply their mask every morning: you or Moxxi?
It's cute that you think she was still around come morning.
[–]high_sideSurplus rifle 81 points 1 year ago
Somebody's about to get choked.
[–]AJockeysBallsackSHUT THE HELL UP, TASSITER! SHUT! THE HELL! UP! 191 points 1 year ago
*Ahem*
Strangled.
[–]HandsomeJackHyperionI'm such a rock star.[S] 432 points 1 year ago
I like you.
Wait, nevermind, I looked at your username.
I don't like you.
What is your day to day job like at Hyperion? What kind of place do you work at? Do you have any friends at work?
Do I have any fr--pahaha.
Do I have any friends, he asks. Of course I do. I've got tons of friends. God, I have so many friends. Jesus, I can't believe you even asked that. Too many to list here. God, so many friends. Man. You're an idiot.
Man.
If you rearrange the letters in "Handsome Jack" you can spell "He's a damn jock". Are you aware of the implications?
"Oh, Jack, did you realize your name has an interesting anagram? Hey Jack, you definitely didn't run your name through an anagram machine when you decided to completely redefine your personality and found the one that had the most masculine and aggro sentences hiding in it, did you? You're definitely not the smartest goddamn person on Pandora, so there's no way you did any of that, right?"
You goddamn people.
Who do you consider to be Hyperions top competitor?
People who ask questions about if New-U stations are canon or not.
Well are they? This raises another question: Do you have the ability to respawn through a New-U station?
The missiles are already in the air. Stay where you are unless you want to increase the collateral damage.
Which, hey, that'd be pretty funny, so actually screw it go ahead and do that
Jack, we all know you're awesome. But what we're wondering is, how did you become so awesome? Were you born that way or do you have to work for it every day?
Some men are born awesome, some have awesomeness thrust upon them, some get incredibly depressed from being labeled a nerd and arbitrarily decide to upend their entire persona and create an awesome new one from scratch.
Not saying which one I am, just observing.
Would you say that RED is Taylor's definitive album, or are you a fan of her earlier works? Personally, I can't wait for 1989.
I've heard some advance tracks from 1989, and it's definitely her best. Though RED is a better encapsulation of her ability to straddle country and pop, so as a quintessential T-Swift album I'd be hard pressed to recommend the more pop-centric 1989 over it, even if it's my personal preference.
One time I choked a guy so hard one of his eyeballs popped out
If you could torture any person, at any place in the galaxy, with whatever method you preferred...Who? Where? And what?
Edit - Please don't say me. :(
Too late. Now you've put the idea in my head.
1) Who and where is Angels mother? (Please don't strangle me)
2) How did you get the vault symbol scar on your face
3) Why didn't the Vault Hunters just shoot you when you killed Roland/Kidnapped Lilith?
4) How did you become president of Hyperion?
5) Who did you buy Butt Stallion off?
1. I
2. Am
3. Going
4. To
5. Murder
6. You
I answered a bonus question for you!
How does the Pandoran moon compare to other moons?
Lot more weird accents.
Hi Handsome Jack,
Do you see yourself as more of a visionary or an inspiration? Followup: Do you need any yes men?
Followup followup: What is your favorite song from our insignificant planet?
I don't have time for people who require multiple followups, unless we're talking about surgeries that give you machine gun arms so you can kill everyone in New Haven for me.
Shout out to my boy Wilhelm.
how many body doubles will we have to bribe to get into your inner circle
My "inner circle" consists of:
- Me
- Whatever I have in my pockets
- Whomever I am strangling and/or having sex with at that particular moment in time
So, unless you turn into a pen or start wearing cowboy hats, you're not getting anywhere near my inner circle.
Hey - I work in the office adjacent to yours, and I keep hearing these WEIRD noises coming from behind locked doors... what's going on in there?
Shut up. Keep working. Shut up.
If you could re-purpose a CL4P-TP unit into any house hold object, what would it be
Kindling
What does a typical night on Elpis look like for Handsome Jack?
If I'm on my game, it looks like a really angry-looking Nisha trying to break my esophagus.
If I'm not on my game, I shoot hoops.
How did your grandmother end up on Pandora?
I moved her there so I could keep an eye on her. If I'd left her on Hera, she might have finished that spanking gun she was working on.
You know that asshole sent me birthday cards with no money in them?
Wish she'd died slower. God.
So I ordered a Hyperion Tech High Grade Industrial Superstar Max 7040(TM) about six months ago and it still hasn't came in the mail yet. How come your shipping is such garbage?
Probably because it's busy filling requests to sentient chili dogs instead of, I don't know, shipping me additional robot reinforcements and food.
[–]thewalexHyperion Science Divsion Rookie 187 points 1 year ago
Hey Jack!
I'm currently a graduate student research assistant, but what I really want to do is work for you on the Moon (once I defend my thesis)! Does Hyperion's science division currently have any openings I could apply for?
Can I just give you my curriculum vitae directly, or is there a website where I can submit it?
Thanks, A.K. Wolf
I was initially going to turn you down cause you're not a hot chick, but your resume convinced me. Head on up in a few hours. That's about as long as the poison will take to run its course on your predecessor.
I can't think of any questions, I just wanted to say you're my hero and I want to be like you when I grow up!
Good.
You won't be.
But good.
Any good advice for removing blood stains from fine fabrics?
What? Just get your man to do it for you. Are you kidding me with this?
What brand of pretzels do you buy? After all, I wouldn't want to accidentally buy pretzels that suck.
Funny story: my assistant had replaced my usual brand with those, like, Pop Chip things? The little styrofoam bastards, taste like your grandmother's back?
Yeah, his family's gonna miss him.
Jack,
What's your life philosophy? I need direction in my life. And chips. And a chocolate shake. Can you help?
My life philosophy is "be a good guy, save people, kill bad guys, eat cinnamon rolls if you really want to, listen to Taylor Swift, strangle underlings."
I suspect my roommate is colluding with Dahl. What do you suggest I do?
What's your preferred method of taking down evildoers?
Depends. What's he deathly allergic to, and can you find a way to subtly sneak it into his food without making it look like you did it?
In the Pre-sequel, are we gonna get to see your softer, cuddlier side?
Sure, yeah. I don't kill as many people, so I guess that's softer.
How do you address the various paternity claims made against you by the former CEO of S&S Munitions?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zi_XLOBDo_Y
You're (thankfully!) not to blame for the CL4P-TP units' AI... but what sorts of things HAVE you been in charge of programming/writing code for at Hyperion?
Social media, synergy, content, value, branding, brand messaging, content creation, value dynamics, dynamic values, content, mindshare, positively impacting purchase intent, Battleborn is: FPS; hobby-grade coop campaign; genre-blended, multi-mode competitive e-sports; meta-growth, choice + epic Battleborn Heroes
Would you fight 1000 Midget-Sized Warriors or 1 Warrior-Sized Psycho?
1 Warrior-Sized Psycho. I think you're severely underestimating the deadliness of Pandora's little people.
How is Butt Stallion doing? and Have you gotten better playing the violin?
She's alright. Accidentally speared one her of handlers with that bi-horn thingy, and she kinda cries a lot and tries to break free of her chains, but I'm pretty sure that's just how diamond ponies express happiness.
And I am sick as hell at the violin now. I can play Wonderwall.
Jack, I'm looking for a new job. I'm an communications engineer at the moment, but I'm looking to move to death traps / super weapons. Can you help me out?
Just start building them on your own time. Hyperion really appreciates a can-do, self-motivated perspective on mass murder.
Inquiring minds want to know... what do you smell like?
When I'm angry: fresh-baked cookies
When I'm aroused: burning flesh
When I'm eating fresh-baked cookies: strangulation
Handsome, why are they even CALLED Sirens? I mean, they don't lure seamen to their death or anything. What do you think a better name for them is?
"Macguffins"
I'm an unemployed up-and-coming vault hunter that definitely has no past affiliations with one of Hyperion's greatest competitors looking for a way around Pandora. Could you suggest a rail line?
I've got just the one.
When you become president, will you have whoever wrote the AI for the CL4P-TP units arrested for their unspeakable crimes against humanity?
"Arrested"
Pahahahahahahahhahahaahahah
Oh my god I can't
Aahahhahahahahahahahhaah
Arrested
Oh god
Aahahahah
This friggin guy
Do you have any more grade school photos to share?
Yeah, here's a good one. http://oyster.ignimgs.com/wordpress/write.ign.com/62772/2013/02/goldfarb.jpg
Here's another good one. This is me dressed up for private school.
I was eight.
http://bitcast-a-sm.bitgravity.com/slashfilm/wp/wp-content/images/extras02.jpg
Here's me hanging out with my uncle. http://bitcast-a-sm.bitgravity.com/slashfilm/wp/wp-content/images/extras09-550x308.jpg
Jack's Childhood Pictures:
http://imgur.com/YHlwPbB Hey weird, I found another picture of me as a teenager. This is me boarding an interstellar shuttle to my school dance.
And this is me all tired after the dance. I got stood up. http://imgur.com/xuvPEfm
What is your favorite fruit?
Grapefruit. If you're imaginative -- which, obviously I am -- you can find some pretty neat uses of citrus as an enhanced interrogation technique. Acidic foods, babe.
Did you ride Buttstallion to the top of Dragon Keep?
You're asking if I rode my diamond-encrusted horse to the top of an imaginary location inside a crazy little girl's head?
Yeah, good question, thanks for asking. Super glad I did this.
What's the worst idea you've seen put into action?
"What if we made a sitcom about nerds"
I love you?
Good?
Who do you think would win in a race: the Flash or Sonic the Hedgehog?
Sonic, because The Flash is a fictional character.
Is there anything funnier than a three-legged hamster walking on chopstick stilts?
Yes.
Your family dying
Jack you Handsome bastard! How can I keep my skin smooth into my midlife without eridium? And are those cheekbones inherited or some sort of plastic surgery deal?
"Inherited" is such a flavorless word. "Forcibly removed from Eden-6's most famous actor and jammed into my jawline," I can get behind.
Did you ever get better pretzels?
No.
Jesus goddamn wept.
Will you be my dad?
Statistically speaking, I probably am anyway.
What's your opinion of Jeffrey Blake? I hear you two don't exactly get along. Also, what do you think of the Torgue Company and Mr. Torgue?
He's pretty ass at getting me stuff when I need it. And he's needlessly nice to bandits. And I'm pretty sure he wants to get me killed so he can take my job.
Actually, now that you mention it, that guy's a dick.
Being such a handsome man as yourself, you must have the correct answer to this question.
Boxers or Briefs?
Look, you may not know this, but when you start wearing designer clothes, you need to switch to tight boxer-brief combinations. Nobody wears briefs anymore, and boxers ride up so high that people can see them and you look silly.
It's like you've never talked to my personal stylist or something.
On a scale of 1-10, how hot is Nisha?
I don't want to say. She might read this. That'd be weird. It's weird to say how hot you find someone, right? You have to be, like, cool about it.
So five? Like five? Or is that insulting?
Six?
Mr. Jack, I have this recurring issue where I eat a sandwich and end up strangling on it a little bit. I'm told I just eat too fast and should chew more carefully to avoid strangling on my food. I think this is BS...
Any tips?
God, what is it with you people not knowing the difference between choking and strangulation?
How do I get to be like you? You know, the coolest dude in the whole universe with everything he wants
Pahahahahaahahaha
You don't.
after ultimate vault hunter there should be a new difficulty: Handsome vault hunter mode. Same with guns: Handsome guns! only drops from handsome badasses like yourself!
A Handsome difficulty would mean nothing's ever difficult because you're perfect.
Which Vault Hunter would you want to turn into a cyborg like Wilhelm?
Nisha. Her clench could be tighter.
[–]AJockeysBallsackSHUT THE HELL UP, TASSITER! SHUT! THE HELL! UP! 69 points 1 year ago
Damn, did you just tell thousands of people that Nisha has a loose cooch?
I mean, it's your right to say what you want, but I dunno if she'd like it. Or who knows, maybe she would. She seems like a pretty cool chick. You know, for being a ruthless killer and gun-for-hire.
Since you brought up the subject, is it true that you can actually walk inside of Moxxi's love bucket?
[–]HandsomeJackHyperionI'm such a rock star.[S] 183 points 1 year ago
What? No. Her hand.
Jesus.
You're the worst.
I have a question for Mr Perfect! (That's you, baby)
Some.... people have spread rumors that you worked as a low level programmer at Hyperion.
If the rumor is true, what was your role in the company, and how did it help become so damn handsome?
I definitely did. Not ashamed of it. Learned a lot. Hacked a lot of servers, got a lot of good juicy stuff on the board of directors. Watched a lot of porn on company bandwidth.
The best way to get outta that role, though, is to illegally commandeer a satellite and get evidence justifying your hunch that Pandora is a goddamn Eridium motherlode. I tell that to all my proteges. Just do that.
Hey H.Jack, I just want you to know that in the future I'm going to be the guy that kills you and foils all your plans. What do you have to say about that?
Nothing, apart from the vaguely orgasmic grunts I'll be making as I crush your windpipe with my thumbs. And I guess the "oh wow, you're the best" noises your loved ones will be making as they cheer me on. And the sloppy, wet sound of me subsequently making out with your loved ones. And the sloppy, wet sound of me subsequently killing your loved ones.
So, is Handsome legally part of your name? Or is it a title, like Doctor, or Professor? If So, would you kindly 'Handsome' me please?
I don't respond to people who use BioShock references on me. BioShock was
[TRANSMISSION INTERCEPTED REWRITING MESSAGE TEXT]
BIOSHOCK IS A QUALITY PRODUCT BY 2K GAMES REALLY THE ENTIRE SERIES FROM BIOSHOCK TO BIOSHOCK 2 TO BIOSHOCK INFINITE TO THE RECENTLY ANNOUNCED BIOSHOCK ON THE IPAD ARE ALL QUALITY EXPERIENCES AND SHOULD BE A PART OF ANY TRUE GAMER'S COLLECTION
"WOULD YOU KINDLY" CATCH BIOSHOCK FEVER HA HA HA HA
But that's just my opinion, so whatever.
Do you like my Tattoo? :p
www.tickld.com/pic/t/974265
Yes. Now get a mirrored one on your other leg so they can kiss.
Is there anything I can do to become even half as great as you?
Aw, you're cute.
Nah.
what haircare regimen would you recommend to make one's hair strong enough to strangle people with?
for science, you know. or whatever.
Well, there's something I didn't know I was into until 30 seconds ago.
What makes you the biggest badass?
My refusal to give direct answers to questions.
Did you ever think Taylor Swifts classic hit "You Belong With Me" was about us?
It was about all of us.
Does slag run thru your veins?
If by "slag" you mean "a cocktail of coffee, hard drugs and some bandit saliva thanks to that one time I left my turbolimo for eight seconds on a quick visit to Pandora" then yeah, sure, slag.
Any advice on killing a man with a spoon?
Wear goggles.
Where the hell do you buy a diamond horse?
If you have to ask, you can't afford it.
Would you say strangulation is something you do to get a job done or is it an underlying kink as well?
"Or" is an interesting word to use.
When are we going
To get Borderlands: Handsome
Jack is a Badass
I pitched that as the subtitle for Pre-Sequel, but nobody goddamn listens to me.
Jack, love your company.
More of a personal dilemma here regarding The Pre-Sequel. All my friends plan on getting it on Xbox 360, but I'm more of a PC guy (owning both, I like the mouse and keyboard experience better). Current budget concerns will sadly only allow me to purchase one copy.
You seem like the kind of guy that would do what's best for him regardless of the people around him, but should I get the 360 version to play with friends, or the PC version to enjoy my own way myself?
Thanks.
Depends on how much you like your friends. I've never been close enough with anyone to justify using a stupid controller over the fine-tuned precision of a mouse and keyboard, but hey, if you wanna live your life by making compromises, you can totally do that.
I hear you like women in cowboy hats... how do you feel about whips? ;)
Yep. This is all working for me.
Of these, which is your preferred Brad Pitt film and why?
- Se7en
- Fight Club
- Inglorious Basterds
Fight Club. I model most of my life off his abs.
what's your opinion on Anthony Burch?
Brown.
Jack, I want to be a big damn hero just like you. Any tips?
-Kill bad guys
-Use conditioner
-Actually that's it
Drugs or Murder?
Murder.
Drugs are illegal.
What is the air velocity of an unladen swallow?
God.
Hello. I have been playing the Borderlands series for a while now and I would like to say thank you for making my favorite game series of all time. My question is: I see lots of allusions to homosexuality and same sex marriage, and I was wondering, is same sex marriage legal on Pandora?
Yeah. What, it's not legal where you come from?
How awesome was it to steal Moxxi away from that loser Mordecai?
Ah, man. So good. He was crying, right? But he's got those goggle things. So they actually filled up with tears and he had to take em off for a second and splooosh, all these tears just dumped out at the same time like two little buckets of pathetic sadness.
What a baby. Glad his bird's dead.
Hey, Handsome Jack! First & foremost, I have to say that you are absolutely brilliant & I love you to pieces.
Question, what is your bed time routine? The public needs to know so they can follow suit & attempt to look as flawless as you.
- Remove mask
- Make out with Nisha for an hour
- Stuff gets graphic
- Shower
- Second shower
- Antibacterial rinse
- Sleep
Did Moxxi ever try to take you home to meet her family? If so, I'm sorry.
No, we were on pretty clear terms about not meeting the others' family. Which probably saved me a skin disease, and her a really violent and sudden death.
I heard a rumor that when you were a teenager, you were actually "Ugly Jack," but as you had a face lift to become "Handsome Jack," is that true?
No. That didn't happen. Definitely did not happen. That is a thing you made up and you didn't hear it from anyone and it's made up. You asshole. I'm tracking your IP now.
When you killed Roland, how the he'll did your first shot even hit him? And how did it just ignore his shield?
My gun is super sick.
Also I lost it between killing Roland and waking the Warrior.
Also shut up.
Where exactly are you while guiding your vault hunting heroes on their noble quest to save the world?
Turbomansion.
What would you say to someone who prefers Jakobs over Hyperion weapons?
What'd you think of this latest season of Big Bang Theory?
If you're in the market for a new personal assistant, I promise I'd bring you the best pretzels ever. Or the best of whatever you want. Running a corporation is a lot like being a king, so why settle for less?
I like the way you think. Bring me some hot chocolate, and two replacement assistants just in case it isn't the perfect temperature when I sip it.
Are there any songs in particular you like to strangle to?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nfWlot6h_JM
Your favorite dick joke?
Edit: And no, your own is not an acceptable answer
"The person who asked me this question"
What do you think of the most charismatic character is claptrap?
I'm really glad that sentence was as grammatically screwed up as it was, because if you were going to unironically use the words "claptrap" and "charismatic" in the same sentence I would have jumped through my monitor and stuck my fist so far up your nose I could karate chop your brain.
Any wizard problems on Elpis?
Only one.
He is the worst.
Least favorite vault hunter that isn't Roland?! Go!
Brick. He made the most annoying blubbering noise when Nisha killed his dog.
What's your hidden talent?
Answering dumb getting-to-know-you questions in a way that completely quashes any attempt for followup conversation.
After finishing the Moonbase, whats your plan to deal with the town of Ovejas, and more importantly, the immortal god-like being that protects it, Salvador?
Oh, gee, maybe I'll open negotiations with them and try to come to a peaceful concpfffffff
I'm gonna burn it to cinders from space, you doofus.
whats some life advice you would give a young man thats unsure what to do in life ?
Start buying expensive clothes and pretend you know what you're doing.
And stop watching porn.
And buy Hyperion guns.
Pirates or Ninjas?
Whichever one is better at killing people who speak entirely in internet memes.
Did you ever want to be a vault hunter, when you were young maybe?
Nah. When I was a kid, Vault Hunters were a weird thing your parents warned you about becoming. Like, "go to school, or you'll become a Vault Hunter just running around begging for money and ammo." "Do your chores, or you'll be out on the street demanding your loot fix." "Don't try to kill your grandmother while she sleeps." Just crap like that.
Your transition from a Hyperion employee to The Savior of Pandora was a bit shocking to say the least. If you could do it all over again, what would you have changed about your Rise to Power and Handsomeness?
Wouldn't have used Claptrap as a bodyguard. Would have killed Roland and Lilith the second I met them.
Would have stopped watching porn way earlier.
Holy nutballs! What happened to your frickin' face?!
Oh, we're -- we're doing a thing where you say things. That I said.
To me.
That's...that's cute.
What's your opinion on bands like "Cage the Elephant" or "The Heavy?"
They aren't Taylor Swift, so not super interested.
Where were you during the events of the first borderlands?
My desk. With my second monitor tuned to the satellite I launched at Pandora.
What is you middle name?
"Newustationsarentcanon"
It's German.
I literally made an account just for this. Hi! As for my question, what do you like on sandwiches?
I'm a simple man. Bologna, cheese and diamond dust.
For the love of Christ, why does it take Hyperion weapons an entire clip just to aim correctly?
Better question: why are you so goddamn impatient that you think the world needs to give you exactly what you want right this second?
Maybe stop and smell the goddamn flowers and appreciate the goddamn headshots when they goddamn come.
Have you ever considered fighting with the vault hunters instead of trying to kill them?
You're stupid.
Who gave you the most enjoyment when you watched them die?
You, a couple hours from now.
Who would you cast to play as you in a movie about you?
Dameon Clarke.
Why Europe and Australia have to wait longer to play your great game?
Imperialism.
How is Butt Stallion doing?
Dead.
Nah, just kidding. Wanted to see the people who run the wiki freak out for a second.
What would be your dream weapon to kill the vault hunters with?
My thumbs.
Will we eve learn more about your abusive grandmother?
What, like where she's buried?
No.
Why call yourself Jack? Isnt your name John?
Pretty weird that internet searches exist, huh? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_(given_name)
Hey Handsome! Do you think you look more like your mom or dad?
Mom, I guess? Don't really have a frame of reference for my dad.
Have you ever used Butt Stallion for Polo?
I tried once, but she kindasorta bucked me off and tried to stab me with her horns. You know what's some real bull? When you buy a diamond pony and the thing doesn't even like being enslaved and ridden.
Like what
What happened to you to make you so insanely violent?
Starts with "P", ends with "-andora."
What's your last name, anyway?
No, it's not "anyway."
Hahahaha.
Screw you, I can make dad jokes.
Are you hiring?
Always. If you've got a face that can absorb at least one bullet, there'll always be a spot for you on the Hyperion team.
Why would Moxxi cheat on someone like you? You're a catch and a half! ;)
Look at you, flirting up a storm. Keep it up, I may reconsider killing ya.
Nah, I'm not gonna reconsider that. But we're having fun. It's fun.
Pew Pew or Bang Bang?
Bang Bang. "Pew Pew" is an internet meme.
We all know how I feel about internet memes.
What is your favorite breakfast food?
Protein shake. With two raw eggs cracked into it. Then an Insanity video.
I like Shaun T's style.
What is the best hair care product for a horse? You must know because butt stallion has beautiful luscious hair
Windex
Two questions:
1) Why are you so damn handsome?
2) (Will we be able to play as you in a future DLC in the Presequel? :D )
- Because the universe rewards good and kind people.
- Shut up, idiot.
Hi Jack, any secrets for climbing the corporate ladder you'd be willing to share for us aspiring executives? Not that I want to take your job or anything. Please don't strangle me.
The corporate ladder is for chumps. Use the corporate express elevator that runs on the blood of dead executives. It's way faster and you get to listen to sweet muzak.
You bang Nisha?
"Bang" is an interesting choice of words, given that russian roulette is involved.
What's your favorite video game?
Diamond Mercenaries 2. I summon my buddies all the time just so I can shoot em in the back of the head.
So, can I borrow butt stallion for a night??
P.S. Moxxi said you're only handsome with your clothes on...
No you can't, and no she didn't.
Did you ever expect Jack to get this popular?
Did I, Jack, expect me, Jack to get popular?
Yes. Because I actualize my goddamn goals.
Would you rather cut off your hair or not be able to strangle people?
I got rich so I wouldn't have to make these kind of decisions.
Handsome Jack, my name is Eddy and I will do ANYTHING to be canon. What would you like? Pizza? Yours. Take over Pandora? I will work endlessly until it's yours. Kill Hitler? Way ahead of you. I even made it look like a suicide so it wouldn't be traced to you. Keep Hitler alive? Too late. Sorry. I won't do anything without your okay EVER again! What can I do to be borderlands canon!?!
I woulda made you canon if not for mentioning Hitler.
On Pandora, we had MegaRoboHitler. Your failure to know that is a shame you will have to bear for the rest of your life.
Hey Handsome Jack. So glad you're with us from the afterlife.
How's Buttstallion holding up? Any word on finding some better pretzels?
Oh and sorry about Angel, she would have made a powerful ally to the Resistance, had you not pumped her full of Eridium like that.
Many <3's! Your favorite Vault Hunter, @Shayblez
Can't wait to play through the prequel!
You are actually my least favorite person.
How does you pick up girls jack? Do you tell them about butt stallion? or what do you do?
I make eye contact.
Do you plan on creating a line of Butt Stallions to create dominance over the luxury horse market?
Yes. That's phase two.
You're not classified to know about phase three.
Do you like Dragonball Z? I wonder what your favorite character would be... probably Cell.
Wrong. Bulma.
You idiot.
Heya Jack. Whatsup man?
On a scale of 1 - 10 how handsome are you?
Do you like my tattoo? http://i.imgur.com/n6Gj9av.jpg
That tattoo isn't a picture of my face.
3/10.
Will Handsome Jack show up in BL3?
I'm not gonna answer your question, I just thought it'd be funny to use this space to mention how I'm not gonna reply to hyperionmoonbase's question.
[–]hyperionmoonbase 23 points 1 year ago
...oh
Where the hell did ou even get buttstallion from, i mean, what company even sells diamond horses/ponys.
Stop asking this question or I will make literally every person's computer explode.
Have you ever considered releasing some Moxxi nudes as revenge? Maybe? Please?
No. I may kill a lot of people, but I'm not a goddamn turd.
Hey Jack, big fan, you're gorgeous by the way
My question is, if Hyperion was out to kill the vault hunters so badly, why did Hyperion allow the vault hunters to use the, "New-U" stations?
Thanks for doing this, toodles!
Oh, look! It's the best first sentence to a question followed by the worst possible second sentence. I guess I'll give you a million dollars before I burn your house down with you in it? That'd be appropriate.
from here
What's been your funniest kill?
First wife.
Oh, wait, you said "funniest." I thought you meant "tragic, violent, and accidental."
My girlfriend is dressing up as you for Halloween. Should I be aroused?
If you're not, I'm certainly aroused enough for the both of us.
Have you and Mr Torgue ever gone golfing?
No, because I value my eardrums and he presumably values not being riddled with goddamn bullets.
Do you ever meet any of the 'war hippies' over at Maliwan? What do they smoke?
Batteries, weirdly? It's a -- it's like an e-cig thing, but somehow less cool. Imagine what an e-cig would have bullied in high school. It's like that.
How do you get your hair to look so perfect?
Genetics.
And the tears of orphans.
Why do you only wear a glove on one hand? And why is the index finger cut out of it?
Ask Nisha.
I have a CL4P-TP steward bot that keeps . . . integrating with every appliance I have with an open port. Is this a bug that's going to be patched any time soon? I called Customer Service and all I got was some dolt who told me to turn it off, then turn it on again. I figured you might know what's up, since you're a coder working for Hyperion.
I'm not tech support, but I've come up with a couple of solutions for the recurring "Claptrap is irritating" problem:
Kill the Claptrap
Kill yourself
It's an either/or thing. I wouldn't do both.
[–]NishaTheLawbringer 326 points 1 year ago
Why do you keep staring at me whenever I ask you something? It gets a bit creepy after the first twenty or so times.
Hey, what's -- hey. How are -- what's up. Hey.
Hi, hey.
Why are there only 6 Sirens in the universe and how the hell did you find that out?
Everybody knows that. What, were you raised in a barn? A barn without books about Sirens?
What would the title of the song Taylor Swift writes about you be called?
"I'm glad that I finally found a permanent boyfriend in you, Handsome Jack, you are the best and we get along super well, let's kill everyone together"
And then in parentheses, "(also wow you are super good at sex stuff)"
That's all one title
Oh man, this is one of them moments. CATCH A RIIIIDE!!!!!
I hope you die.
I heard vault hunters are really stupid. Like REALLY REALLY stupid. So stupid that if you hacked their ECHO and told them to do what you say, they probably will without ever asking "Why is there some girl covering my entire vision, why does she know so much about me, and why can she see my every movement?" Is this true?
Pahahahaha. Ahhh. So stupid.
So, so, so stupid.
Are you going to be handsome forever, and never, ever require a mask to cover a hideous disfiguring scar?
Weirdly specific question.
But yes.
Handsome, heroic, and way too damned good at your job... I think the REAL question is why those idiot higher ups at Hyperion haven't been bending over backwards and recognizing your potential.
You? You're my kinda ass-kisser. When I electrify every keyboard connected to this AMA, I'll make sure yours is as a low wattage.
Well, low-ish.
How did you ever get so handsome?
See? Everyone, look -- look at this.
THIS is a question. Not "wuhgughf what if butt stallion and gugh torgue fought would that be fugughgh fun", not "wharglbhrrh new u stations wharhgh canon."
Just short, direct, and so complimentary that I got to half mast before I'd reached the third syllable.
Be like this guy. Or girl.
Hopefully girl. I'm into girls. Which evidently makes me some sort of outlier on Pandora.
Mr. Jack,
Do you have any advice for aspiring developers hoping to emulate your meteoric rise at Hyperion?
Also, have you considered any joint projects with Torgue Corp?
Sure! My advice to all you sad, mewling little wannabes is: don't! There's already one Handsome Jack, and it ain't you. So if you like your kidneys/house/mother's torso where they are, you'll stay riiiiight on the bottom of the ol' corporate ladder.
Handsome Jack, first of all thank you for doing this!
What is your opinion of Wilhelm, Nisha, Claptrap, and Athena each individually?
Wilhelm: As far as monosyllabic cyborgs go, an okay dude. Seems pretty dense, easily led. Strongly considering poisoning him in the future in order to dupe my enemies into thinking they've won. Also considering accidentally forgetting to put that line of dialog into the game so it just ends up being super confusing and illogical.
Claptrap: No.
Athena: Weird chick. Prides herself on "loyalty," but the only thing I know about her is that she killed her old boss and blew up his big house of guns. So, uh, yeah, super trust her. Sure she's a straight shooter.
Nisha: She's, uh -- I like her. She's nice. Well not -- not NICE, she's definitely not NICE, but she's got a...like, a thing? About her? That I like? I don't know. It's -- shut up. Next question. Shut up.
Why would you hire a CL4P-TP to do anything but open doors for you? What were you thinking trusting him on Elpis?
Look, I --
Look. It was a dark time in my life, okay? No real job prospects, no budget to do anything with, boss has it out for me (like, he hired assassins), no bodyguards. So I took a stupid little tin can programmed for dancing and high-pitched whining, I slapped some goddamn guns on him, and installed some stair-climbing subroutines.
We all make mistakes. Mine was not killing every single Claptrap I saw. And getting married.
Who took longer to apply their mask every morning: you or Moxxi?
It's cute that you think she was still around come morning.
Somebody's about to get choked.
[–]AJockeysBallsackSHUT THE HELL UP, TASSITER! SHUT! THE HELL! UP! 191 points 1 year ago
*Ahem*
Strangled.
[–]HandsomeJackHyperionI'm such a rock star.[S] 432 points 1 year ago
I like you.
Wait, nevermind, I looked at your username.
I don't like you.
What is your day to day job like at Hyperion? What kind of place do you work at? Do you have any friends at work?
Do I have any fr--pahaha.
Do I have any friends, he asks. Of course I do. I've got tons of friends. God, I have so many friends. Jesus, I can't believe you even asked that. Too many to list here. God, so many friends. Man. You're an idiot.
Man.
If you rearrange the letters in "Handsome Jack" you can spell "He's a damn jock". Are you aware of the implications?
"Oh, Jack, did you realize your name has an interesting anagram? Hey Jack, you definitely didn't run your name through an anagram machine when you decided to completely redefine your personality and found the one that had the most masculine and aggro sentences hiding in it, did you? You're definitely not the smartest goddamn person on Pandora, so there's no way you did any of that, right?"
You goddamn people.
Who do you consider to be Hyperions top competitor?
People who ask questions about if New-U stations are canon or not.
Well are they? This raises another question: Do you have the ability to respawn through a New-U station?
The missiles are already in the air. Stay where you are unless you want to increase the collateral damage.
Which, hey, that'd be pretty funny, so actually screw it go ahead and do that
Jack, we all know you're awesome. But what we're wondering is, how did you become so awesome? Were you born that way or do you have to work for it every day?
Some men are born awesome, some have awesomeness thrust upon them, some get incredibly depressed from being labeled a nerd and arbitrarily decide to upend their entire persona and create an awesome new one from scratch.
Not saying which one I am, just observing.
Would you say that RED is Taylor's definitive album, or are you a fan of her earlier works? Personally, I can't wait for 1989.
I've heard some advance tracks from 1989, and it's definitely her best. Though RED is a better encapsulation of her ability to straddle country and pop, so as a quintessential T-Swift album I'd be hard pressed to recommend the more pop-centric 1989 over it, even if it's my personal preference.
One time I choked a guy so hard one of his eyeballs popped out
If you could torture any person, at any place in the galaxy, with whatever method you preferred...Who? Where? And what?
Edit - Please don't say me. :(
Too late. Now you've put the idea in my head.
1) Who and where is Angels mother? (Please don't strangle me)
2) How did you get the vault symbol scar on your face
3) Why didn't the Vault Hunters just shoot you when you killed Roland/Kidnapped Lilith?
4) How did you become president of Hyperion?
5) Who did you buy Butt Stallion off?
1. I
2. Am
3. Going
4. To
5. Murder
6. You
I answered a bonus question for you!
How does the Pandoran moon compare to other moons?
Lot more weird accents.
Hi Handsome Jack,
Do you see yourself as more of a visionary or an inspiration? Followup: Do you need any yes men?
Followup followup: What is your favorite song from our insignificant planet?
I don't have time for people who require multiple followups, unless we're talking about surgeries that give you machine gun arms so you can kill everyone in New Haven for me.
Shout out to my boy Wilhelm.
how many body doubles will we have to bribe to get into your inner circle
My "inner circle" consists of:
- Me
- Whatever I have in my pockets
- Whomever I am strangling and/or having sex with at that particular moment in time
So, unless you turn into a pen or start wearing cowboy hats, you're not getting anywhere near my inner circle.
Hey - I work in the office adjacent to yours, and I keep hearing these WEIRD noises coming from behind locked doors... what's going on in there?
Shut up. Keep working. Shut up.
If you could re-purpose a CL4P-TP unit into any house hold object, what would it be
Kindling
What does a typical night on Elpis look like for Handsome Jack?
If I'm on my game, it looks like a really angry-looking Nisha trying to break my esophagus.
If I'm not on my game, I shoot hoops.
How did your grandmother end up on Pandora?
I moved her there so I could keep an eye on her. If I'd left her on Hera, she might have finished that spanking gun she was working on.
You know that asshole sent me birthday cards with no money in them?
Wish she'd died slower. God.
So I ordered a Hyperion Tech High Grade Industrial Superstar Max 7040(TM) about six months ago and it still hasn't came in the mail yet. How come your shipping is such garbage?
Probably because it's busy filling requests to sentient chili dogs instead of, I don't know, shipping me additional robot reinforcements and food.
[–]thewalexHyperion Science Divsion Rookie 187 points 1 year ago
Hey Jack!
I'm currently a graduate student research assistant, but what I really want to do is work for you on the Moon (once I defend my thesis)! Does Hyperion's science division currently have any openings I could apply for?
Can I just give you my curriculum vitae directly, or is there a website where I can submit it?
Thanks, A.K. Wolf
I was initially going to turn you down cause you're not a hot chick, but your resume convinced me. Head on up in a few hours. That's about as long as the poison will take to run its course on your predecessor.
I can't think of any questions, I just wanted to say you're my hero and I want to be like you when I grow up!
Good.
You won't be.
But good.
Any good advice for removing blood stains from fine fabrics?
What? Just get your man to do it for you. Are you kidding me with this?
What brand of pretzels do you buy? After all, I wouldn't want to accidentally buy pretzels that suck.
Funny story: my assistant had replaced my usual brand with those, like, Pop Chip things? The little styrofoam bastards, taste like your grandmother's back?
Yeah, his family's gonna miss him.
Jack,
What's your life philosophy? I need direction in my life. And chips. And a chocolate shake. Can you help?
My life philosophy is "be a good guy, save people, kill bad guys, eat cinnamon rolls if you really want to, listen to Taylor Swift, strangle underlings."
I suspect my roommate is colluding with Dahl. What do you suggest I do?
What's your preferred method of taking down evildoers?
Depends. What's he deathly allergic to, and can you find a way to subtly sneak it into his food without making it look like you did it?
In the Pre-sequel, are we gonna get to see your softer, cuddlier side?
Sure, yeah. I don't kill as many people, so I guess that's softer.
How do you address the various paternity claims made against you by the former CEO of S&S Munitions?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zi_XLOBDo_Y
You're (thankfully!) not to blame for the CL4P-TP units' AI... but what sorts of things HAVE you been in charge of programming/writing code for at Hyperion?
Social media, synergy, content, value, branding, brand messaging, content creation, value dynamics, dynamic values, content, mindshare, positively impacting purchase intent, Battleborn is: FPS; hobby-grade coop campaign; genre-blended, multi-mode competitive e-sports; meta-growth, choice + epic Battleborn Heroes
Would you fight 1000 Midget-Sized Warriors or 1 Warrior-Sized Psycho?
1 Warrior-Sized Psycho. I think you're severely underestimating the deadliness of Pandora's little people.
How is Butt Stallion doing? and Have you gotten better playing the violin?
She's alright. Accidentally speared one her of handlers with that bi-horn thingy, and she kinda cries a lot and tries to break free of her chains, but I'm pretty sure that's just how diamond ponies express happiness.
And I am sick as hell at the violin now. I can play Wonderwall.
Jack, I'm looking for a new job. I'm an communications engineer at the moment, but I'm looking to move to death traps / super weapons. Can you help me out?
Just start building them on your own time. Hyperion really appreciates a can-do, self-motivated perspective on mass murder.
Inquiring minds want to know... what do you smell like?
When I'm angry: fresh-baked cookies
When I'm aroused: burning flesh
When I'm eating fresh-baked cookies: strangulation
Handsome, why are they even CALLED Sirens? I mean, they don't lure seamen to their death or anything. What do you think a better name for them is?
"Macguffins"
I'm an unemployed up-and-coming vault hunter that definitely has no past affiliations with one of Hyperion's greatest competitors looking for a way around Pandora. Could you suggest a rail line?
I've got just the one.
When you become president, will you have whoever wrote the AI for the CL4P-TP units arrested for their unspeakable crimes against humanity?
"Arrested"
Pahahahahahahahhahahaahahah
Oh my god I can't
Aahahhahahahahahahahhaah
Arrested
Oh god
Aahahahah
This friggin guy
Do you have any more grade school photos to share?
Yeah, here's a good one. http://oyster.ignimgs.com/wordpress/write.ign.com/62772/2013/02/goldfarb.jpg
Here's another good one. This is me dressed up for private school.
I was eight.
http://bitcast-a-sm.bitgravity.com/slashfilm/wp/wp-content/images/extras02.jpg
Here's me hanging out with my uncle. http://bitcast-a-sm.bitgravity.com/slashfilm/wp/wp-content/images/extras09-550x308.jpg
Jack's Childhood Pictures:
http://imgur.com/YHlwPbB Hey weird, I found another picture of me as a teenager. This is me boarding an interstellar shuttle to my school dance.
And this is me all tired after the dance. I got stood up. http://imgur.com/xuvPEfm
What is your favorite fruit?
Grapefruit. If you're imaginative -- which, obviously I am -- you can find some pretty neat uses of citrus as an enhanced interrogation technique. Acidic foods, babe.
Did you ride Buttstallion to the top of Dragon Keep?
You're asking if I rode my diamond-encrusted horse to the top of an imaginary location inside a crazy little girl's head?
Yeah, good question, thanks for asking. Super glad I did this.
What's the worst idea you've seen put into action?
"What if we made a sitcom about nerds"
I love you?
Good?
Who do you think would win in a race: the Flash or Sonic the Hedgehog?
Sonic, because The Flash is a fictional character.
Is there anything funnier than a three-legged hamster walking on chopstick stilts?
Yes.
Your family dying
Jack you Handsome bastard! How can I keep my skin smooth into my midlife without eridium? And are those cheekbones inherited or some sort of plastic surgery deal?
"Inherited" is such a flavorless word. "Forcibly removed from Eden-6's most famous actor and jammed into my jawline," I can get behind.
Did you ever get better pretzels?
No.
Jesus goddamn wept.
Will you be my dad?
Statistically speaking, I probably am anyway.
What's your opinion of Jeffrey Blake? I hear you two don't exactly get along. Also, what do you think of the Torgue Company and Mr. Torgue?
He's pretty ass at getting me stuff when I need it. And he's needlessly nice to bandits. And I'm pretty sure he wants to get me killed so he can take my job.
Actually, now that you mention it, that guy's a dick.
Being such a handsome man as yourself, you must have the correct answer to this question.
Boxers or Briefs?
Look, you may not know this, but when you start wearing designer clothes, you need to switch to tight boxer-brief combinations. Nobody wears briefs anymore, and boxers ride up so high that people can see them and you look silly.
It's like you've never talked to my personal stylist or something.
On a scale of 1-10, how hot is Nisha?
I don't want to say. She might read this. That'd be weird. It's weird to say how hot you find someone, right? You have to be, like, cool about it.
So five? Like five? Or is that insulting?
Six?
Mr. Jack, I have this recurring issue where I eat a sandwich and end up strangling on it a little bit. I'm told I just eat too fast and should chew more carefully to avoid strangling on my food. I think this is BS...
Any tips?
God, what is it with you people not knowing the difference between choking and strangulation?
How do I get to be like you? You know, the coolest dude in the whole universe with everything he wants
Pahahahahaahahaha
You don't.
after ultimate vault hunter there should be a new difficulty: Handsome vault hunter mode. Same with guns: Handsome guns! only drops from handsome badasses like yourself!
A Handsome difficulty would mean nothing's ever difficult because you're perfect.
Which Vault Hunter would you want to turn into a cyborg like Wilhelm?
Nisha. Her clench could be tighter.
[–]AJockeysBallsackSHUT THE HELL UP, TASSITER! SHUT! THE HELL! UP! 69 points 1 year ago
Damn, did you just tell thousands of people that Nisha has a loose cooch?
I mean, it's your right to say what you want, but I dunno if she'd like it. Or who knows, maybe she would. She seems like a pretty cool chick. You know, for being a ruthless killer and gun-for-hire.
Since you brought up the subject, is it true that you can actually walk inside of Moxxi's love bucket?
[–]HandsomeJackHyperionI'm such a rock star.[S] 183 points 1 year ago
What? No. Her hand.
Jesus.
You're the worst.
I have a question for Mr Perfect! (That's you, baby)
Some.... people have spread rumors that you worked as a low level programmer at Hyperion.
If the rumor is true, what was your role in the company, and how did it help become so damn handsome?
I definitely did. Not ashamed of it. Learned a lot. Hacked a lot of servers, got a lot of good juicy stuff on the board of directors. Watched a lot of porn on company bandwidth.
The best way to get outta that role, though, is to illegally commandeer a satellite and get evidence justifying your hunch that Pandora is a goddamn Eridium motherlode. I tell that to all my proteges. Just do that.
Hey H.Jack, I just want you to know that in the future I'm going to be the guy that kills you and foils all your plans. What do you have to say about that?
Nothing, apart from the vaguely orgasmic grunts I'll be making as I crush your windpipe with my thumbs. And I guess the "oh wow, you're the best" noises your loved ones will be making as they cheer me on. And the sloppy, wet sound of me subsequently making out with your loved ones. And the sloppy, wet sound of me subsequently killing your loved ones.
So, is Handsome legally part of your name? Or is it a title, like Doctor, or Professor? If So, would you kindly 'Handsome' me please?
I don't respond to people who use BioShock references on me. BioShock was
[TRANSMISSION INTERCEPTED REWRITING MESSAGE TEXT]
BIOSHOCK IS A QUALITY PRODUCT BY 2K GAMES REALLY THE ENTIRE SERIES FROM BIOSHOCK TO BIOSHOCK 2 TO BIOSHOCK INFINITE TO THE RECENTLY ANNOUNCED BIOSHOCK ON THE IPAD ARE ALL QUALITY EXPERIENCES AND SHOULD BE A PART OF ANY TRUE GAMER'S COLLECTION
"WOULD YOU KINDLY" CATCH BIOSHOCK FEVER HA HA HA HA
But that's just my opinion, so whatever.
Do you like my Tattoo? :p
www.tickld.com/pic/t/974265
Yes. Now get a mirrored one on your other leg so they can kiss.
Is there anything I can do to become even half as great as you?
Aw, you're cute.
Nah.
what haircare regimen would you recommend to make one's hair strong enough to strangle people with?
for science, you know. or whatever.
Well, there's something I didn't know I was into until 30 seconds ago.
What makes you the biggest badass?
My refusal to give direct answers to questions.
Did you ever think Taylor Swifts classic hit "You Belong With Me" was about us?
It was about all of us.
Does slag run thru your veins?
If by "slag" you mean "a cocktail of coffee, hard drugs and some bandit saliva thanks to that one time I left my turbolimo for eight seconds on a quick visit to Pandora" then yeah, sure, slag.
Any advice on killing a man with a spoon?
Wear goggles.
Where the hell do you buy a diamond horse?
If you have to ask, you can't afford it.
Would you say strangulation is something you do to get a job done or is it an underlying kink as well?
"Or" is an interesting word to use.
When are we going
To get Borderlands: Handsome
Jack is a Badass
I pitched that as the subtitle for Pre-Sequel, but nobody goddamn listens to me.
Jack, love your company.
More of a personal dilemma here regarding The Pre-Sequel. All my friends plan on getting it on Xbox 360, but I'm more of a PC guy (owning both, I like the mouse and keyboard experience better). Current budget concerns will sadly only allow me to purchase one copy.
You seem like the kind of guy that would do what's best for him regardless of the people around him, but should I get the 360 version to play with friends, or the PC version to enjoy my own way myself?
Thanks.
Depends on how much you like your friends. I've never been close enough with anyone to justify using a stupid controller over the fine-tuned precision of a mouse and keyboard, but hey, if you wanna live your life by making compromises, you can totally do that.
I hear you like women in cowboy hats... how do you feel about whips? ;)
Yep. This is all working for me.
Of these, which is your preferred Brad Pitt film and why?
- Se7en
- Fight Club
- Inglorious Basterds
Fight Club. I model most of my life off his abs.
what's your opinion on Anthony Burch?
Brown.
Jack, I want to be a big damn hero just like you. Any tips?
-Kill bad guys
-Use conditioner
-Actually that's it
Drugs or Murder?
Murder.
Drugs are illegal.
What is the air velocity of an unladen swallow?
God.
Hello. I have been playing the Borderlands series for a while now and I would like to say thank you for making my favorite game series of all time. My question is: I see lots of allusions to homosexuality and same sex marriage, and I was wondering, is same sex marriage legal on Pandora?
Yeah. What, it's not legal where you come from?
How awesome was it to steal Moxxi away from that loser Mordecai?
Ah, man. So good. He was crying, right? But he's got those goggle things. So they actually filled up with tears and he had to take em off for a second and splooosh, all these tears just dumped out at the same time like two little buckets of pathetic sadness.
What a baby. Glad his bird's dead.
Hey, Handsome Jack! First & foremost, I have to say that you are absolutely brilliant & I love you to pieces.
Question, what is your bed time routine? The public needs to know so they can follow suit & attempt to look as flawless as you.
- Remove mask
- Make out with Nisha for an hour
- Stuff gets graphic
- Shower
- Second shower
- Antibacterial rinse
- Sleep
Did Moxxi ever try to take you home to meet her family? If so, I'm sorry.
No, we were on pretty clear terms about not meeting the others' family. Which probably saved me a skin disease, and her a really violent and sudden death.
I heard a rumor that when you were a teenager, you were actually "Ugly Jack," but as you had a face lift to become "Handsome Jack," is that true?
No. That didn't happen. Definitely did not happen. That is a thing you made up and you didn't hear it from anyone and it's made up. You asshole. I'm tracking your IP now.
When you killed Roland, how the he'll did your first shot even hit him? And how did it just ignore his shield?
My gun is super sick.
Also I lost it between killing Roland and waking the Warrior.
Also shut up.
Where exactly are you while guiding your vault hunting heroes on their noble quest to save the world?
Turbomansion.
What would you say to someone who prefers Jakobs over Hyperion weapons?
What'd you think of this latest season of Big Bang Theory?
If you're in the market for a new personal assistant, I promise I'd bring you the best pretzels ever. Or the best of whatever you want. Running a corporation is a lot like being a king, so why settle for less?
I like the way you think. Bring me some hot chocolate, and two replacement assistants just in case it isn't the perfect temperature when I sip it.
Are there any songs in particular you like to strangle to?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nfWlot6h_JM
Your favorite dick joke?
Edit: And no, your own is not an acceptable answer
"The person who asked me this question"
What do you think of the most charismatic character is claptrap?
I'm really glad that sentence was as grammatically screwed up as it was, because if you were going to unironically use the words "claptrap" and "charismatic" in the same sentence I would have jumped through my monitor and stuck my fist so far up your nose I could karate chop your brain.
Any wizard problems on Elpis?
Only one.
He is the worst.
Least favorite vault hunter that isn't Roland?! Go!
Brick. He made the most annoying blubbering noise when Nisha killed his dog.
What's your hidden talent?
Answering dumb getting-to-know-you questions in a way that completely quashes any attempt for followup conversation.
After finishing the Moonbase, whats your plan to deal with the town of Ovejas, and more importantly, the immortal god-like being that protects it, Salvador?
Oh, gee, maybe I'll open negotiations with them and try to come to a peaceful concpfffffff
I'm gonna burn it to cinders from space, you doofus.
whats some life advice you would give a young man thats unsure what to do in life ?
Start buying expensive clothes and pretend you know what you're doing.
And stop watching porn.
And buy Hyperion guns.
Pirates or Ninjas?
Whichever one is better at killing people who speak entirely in internet memes.
Did you ever want to be a vault hunter, when you were young maybe?
Nah. When I was a kid, Vault Hunters were a weird thing your parents warned you about becoming. Like, "go to school, or you'll become a Vault Hunter just running around begging for money and ammo." "Do your chores, or you'll be out on the street demanding your loot fix." "Don't try to kill your grandmother while she sleeps." Just crap like that.
Your transition from a Hyperion employee to The Savior of Pandora was a bit shocking to say the least. If you could do it all over again, what would you have changed about your Rise to Power and Handsomeness?
Wouldn't have used Claptrap as a bodyguard. Would have killed Roland and Lilith the second I met them.
Would have stopped watching porn way earlier.
Holy nutballs! What happened to your frickin' face?!
Oh, we're -- we're doing a thing where you say things. That I said.
To me.
That's...that's cute.
What's your opinion on bands like "Cage the Elephant" or "The Heavy?"
They aren't Taylor Swift, so not super interested.
Where were you during the events of the first borderlands?
My desk. With my second monitor tuned to the satellite I launched at Pandora.
What is you middle name?
"Newustationsarentcanon"
It's German.
I literally made an account just for this. Hi! As for my question, what do you like on sandwiches?
I'm a simple man. Bologna, cheese and diamond dust.
For the love of Christ, why does it take Hyperion weapons an entire clip just to aim correctly?
Better question: why are you so goddamn impatient that you think the world needs to give you exactly what you want right this second?
Maybe stop and smell the goddamn flowers and appreciate the goddamn headshots when they goddamn come.
Have you ever considered fighting with the vault hunters instead of trying to kill them?
You're stupid.
Who gave you the most enjoyment when you watched them die?
You, a couple hours from now.
Who would you cast to play as you in a movie about you?
Dameon Clarke.
Why Europe and Australia have to wait longer to play your great game?
Imperialism.
How is Butt Stallion doing?
Dead.
Nah, just kidding. Wanted to see the people who run the wiki freak out for a second.
What would be your dream weapon to kill the vault hunters with?
My thumbs.
Will we eve learn more about your abusive grandmother?
What, like where she's buried?
No.
Why call yourself Jack? Isnt your name John?
Pretty weird that internet searches exist, huh? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_(given_name)
Hey Handsome! Do you think you look more like your mom or dad?
Mom, I guess? Don't really have a frame of reference for my dad.
Have you ever used Butt Stallion for Polo?
I tried once, but she kindasorta bucked me off and tried to stab me with her horns. You know what's some real bull? When you buy a diamond pony and the thing doesn't even like being enslaved and ridden.
Like what
What happened to you to make you so insanely violent?
Starts with "P", ends with "-andora."
What's your last name, anyway?
No, it's not "anyway."
Hahahaha.
Screw you, I can make dad jokes.
Are you hiring?
Always. If you've got a face that can absorb at least one bullet, there'll always be a spot for you on the Hyperion team.
Why would Moxxi cheat on someone like you? You're a catch and a half! ;)
Look at you, flirting up a storm. Keep it up, I may reconsider killing ya.
Nah, I'm not gonna reconsider that. But we're having fun. It's fun.
Pew Pew or Bang Bang?
Bang Bang. "Pew Pew" is an internet meme.
We all know how I feel about internet memes.
What is your favorite breakfast food?
Protein shake. With two raw eggs cracked into it. Then an Insanity video.
I like Shaun T's style.
What is the best hair care product for a horse? You must know because butt stallion has beautiful luscious hair
Windex
Two questions:
1) Why are you so damn handsome?
2) (Will we be able to play as you in a future DLC in the Presequel? :D )
- Because the universe rewards good and kind people.
- Shut up, idiot.
Hi Jack, any secrets for climbing the corporate ladder you'd be willing to share for us aspiring executives? Not that I want to take your job or anything. Please don't strangle me.
The corporate ladder is for chumps. Use the corporate express elevator that runs on the blood of dead executives. It's way faster and you get to listen to sweet muzak.
You bang Nisha?
"Bang" is an interesting choice of words, given that russian roulette is involved.
What's your favorite video game?
Diamond Mercenaries 2. I summon my buddies all the time just so I can shoot em in the back of the head.
So, can I borrow butt stallion for a night??
P.S. Moxxi said you're only handsome with your clothes on...
No you can't, and no she didn't.
Did you ever expect Jack to get this popular?
Did I, Jack, expect me, Jack to get popular?
Yes. Because I actualize my goddamn goals.
Would you rather cut off your hair or not be able to strangle people?
I got rich so I wouldn't have to make these kind of decisions.
Handsome Jack, my name is Eddy and I will do ANYTHING to be canon. What would you like? Pizza? Yours. Take over Pandora? I will work endlessly until it's yours. Kill Hitler? Way ahead of you. I even made it look like a suicide so it wouldn't be traced to you. Keep Hitler alive? Too late. Sorry. I won't do anything without your okay EVER again! What can I do to be borderlands canon!?!
I woulda made you canon if not for mentioning Hitler.
On Pandora, we had MegaRoboHitler. Your failure to know that is a shame you will have to bear for the rest of your life.
Hey Handsome Jack. So glad you're with us from the afterlife.
How's Buttstallion holding up? Any word on finding some better pretzels?
Oh and sorry about Angel, she would have made a powerful ally to the Resistance, had you not pumped her full of Eridium like that.
Many <3's! Your favorite Vault Hunter, @Shayblez
Can't wait to play through the prequel!
You are actually my least favorite person.
How does you pick up girls jack? Do you tell them about butt stallion? or what do you do?
I make eye contact.
Do you plan on creating a line of Butt Stallions to create dominance over the luxury horse market?
Yes. That's phase two.
You're not classified to know about phase three.
Do you like Dragonball Z? I wonder what your favorite character would be... probably Cell.
Wrong. Bulma.
You idiot.
Heya Jack. Whatsup man?
On a scale of 1 - 10 how handsome are you?
Do you like my tattoo? http://i.imgur.com/n6Gj9av.jpg
That tattoo isn't a picture of my face.
3/10.
Will Handsome Jack show up in BL3?
I'm not gonna answer your question, I just thought it'd be funny to use this space to mention how I'm not gonna reply to hyperionmoonbase's question.
[–]hyperionmoonbase 23 points 1 year ago
...oh
Where the hell did ou even get buttstallion from, i mean, what company even sells diamond horses/ponys.
Stop asking this question or I will make literally every person's computer explode.
Have you ever considered releasing some Moxxi nudes as revenge? Maybe? Please?
No. I may kill a lot of people, but I'm not a goddamn turd.
Hey Jack, big fan, you're gorgeous by the way
My question is, if Hyperion was out to kill the vault hunters so badly, why did Hyperion allow the vault hunters to use the, "New-U" stations?
Thanks for doing this, toodles!
Oh, look! It's the best first sentence to a question followed by the worst possible second sentence. I guess I'll give you a million dollars before I burn your house down with you in it? That'd be appropriate.